...It's been a while (Part 2)

Warning!  Junk relationships are hazardous to your health.

So if you refer back to ...It's been a while (Part 1) you will find a list of 60 words that 38 people used to describe me.  As part of an experiment to see how others saw me living my life.  Two words really stood out to me: naive and fragile.  They both were from guys that know me fairly well, and sadly I think they are right.  Just last week, I was g-chatting with a fairly new friend  about my "trust issues".  LITERALLY it is my greatest down fall in a relationship after two really bad ones I had back to back.  In my defense, I am completely open and honest about it, and more than able to admit it.  (Even though, in talking with my girl friends, I think a lot of us have trust issues).  My g-chat friend though, he pointed out the way I trusted the second boyfriend of the two was because I was naive and stupid.  He said that now I have learned to be smart.  

*It should also be noted that someone wrote that I am "trusting".  You see I think I am trusting in the sense, that I open up about myself: my likes, my passions, my dislikes, my family, and I am VERY transparent about my past.  But with matters of the heart? Not so much.

And the fragility? also true.  I guard my heart BIG TIME, (refer back to the "trust issues"), but once I think a guy is being honest with me and interested in me, I'll wear my heart on my sleeve.  Although, I've learned you can't always be so sure of their intentions.. I've learned all too often it's a chase.  Once the guy (not all guys) can get you to like him, he's just not into anymore.  I mean how else do you explain a guy talking to you for four months, investing time in you and then suddenly change and not tell you a thing.  And this, just two weeks after he admitted to having a crush on you even longer?  When that happens, when I actual have told a guy, "I like you too", he no longer likes me.  Funny how that works (: It's the chase.  Then, they are bored, or have interest in someone else.

Or there's the classic case of him knowing that you are too good for him.  This recently happened to my girl friend.  She is faithful, has a loving family, gorgeous, and successful (not by means of this world; just able to accomplish a lot and gives a lot of herself to other things outside of work).  Her husband has lost two jobs in less than six months, doesn't like going to church, I won't touch on his family life because I don't feel I knew him well enough... But man this guy had one AMAZING girl and he cheated on her!  With in 90 days of them being married, and he was cheating on her before the wedding too!!  Are you for real?  He knew when he walked down the aisle he didn't deserve her because he wasn't being honest about what else he was doing; he wasn't only in love with her, but he was selfish and wanted to have his cake and eat it too.  Now, he has no job, no place to live, and no wife..

That guy makes me so mad, and he didn't even cheat on me!  I hung out with him and his wife recently, two weeks in a row-  I thought he seemed great!  Boy was I wrong.. He seemed so into his wife, but he was a good actor.. :(  A big kudos to my girl friend though.  She is handling the whole thing with grace and class..  "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." Proverbs 31:10-11  In this passage the perfect wife is portrayed. In a world that values self worth, the Scripture reminds us that the value of trust is greater. To build trust in your partner takes time and diligence, but once it is achieved, the rewards are worth more than money!  And my girl friend knows she is worth more than what "value" her husband showed her.

Then I have another friend who is married.  And yes, she made a mistake, but she went to her husband about it and he made the decision that he wanted to stay in the marriage and work it out, and now he treats her like crap.  He's not being the Christian Man he said he wanted to be.  And she is making all the efforts to make it work and he's holding her mistakes against her. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 "⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸Love never fails."

________

So let me dive into this..  I attended a dating seminar/ class three weeks ago.  The Young Singles Pastor, JP and his wife, Monica taught the class together.  It was basically about what Christian dating should look like.  *You should be dating to find a spouse.  In the sense of if you can't see yourself marrying the person that you are dating, then you shouldn't be dating them.

Too many times people, especially young people are dating with the purpose of divorce: leaving when the next best thing comes along, and leaving when one of you no longer likes the other.  In that COMMUNICATION is key.  Don't shy away from conversations that are important:  where are the both of you in your lives?  what struggles do you have?  are you two on the same tract emotionally?  do you both have the same feelings?  Be intentional in your dating.

Don't let experiences lead your emotions.  Just because a guy picks you up in a limo with champagne, flowers, and a nice dinner on the first date, don't let that be what makes you fall in love with him.  (JP compared similar situations to The Bachelor and The Bachelorette where all the people 'fall in love' because they are on these extravagant dates.  But that's not real).  Guard your heart against emotions.  Don't trust someone because they do nice things for you or spend money on you.  Things are not always as they appear.  Take time to see beyond what you initially observe. Discernment is critical.  At the same time, make sure that you bring stability, trust, and uncompromising integrity to your relationships as well.  Trust is not something you give out.  Trust must be earned.

This is an argument I recently had. Take me for example.. So I had these two awful relationships back to back that really broke me.  I trusted these two guys, one of which I thought our relationship was grounded in Christ (it was not).  In the 18 months I spent between each of those guys my spirit was broken, my self-esteem depleted, and my confidence non-existent.  As stuck up, horrible and un-Christian like as this is going to sound, I was left wondering how this ever happened.  A beauty queen, TV personality, smart, successful, God-loving, passionate, and kind hearted, wanting to please my boyfriend girl; and I was betrayed by both of them..  This is hard to admit, but in my head I must have thought, look at me, why wouldn't a guy like me?  And it crushed me when they were able to hurt me like that.  I was putting my worth in the wrong things: my outer beauty and 'fame'.  If he didn't like me because of my heart, my faith, my passion- it wasn't going to last. Because some of the betrayal was so deep, so personal, it's taken a long time to work through it.  The first hurdle was forgiving them.  Which I am happy to say I have forgiven them both and wish them all the best.  But the scars they left on my ability to trust is still pretty deep.  So if I guy wants to date me, he has to earn that trust.  Put forth the effort to ease my nerves.  I'd give this same advice to any guy wanting to pursue a relationship...

As I have mentioned, one of my favorite books is Wild at Heart, and inside is one of the most honest statements about women: "Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for. She wants to be more than noticed-she wants to be wanted. She wants to be pursued. She wants to be a priority to someone. And her childhood fantasies of a knight in shining armor coming to rescue her are not girlie fantasies; they are the core of the feminine heart and the life she knows she was made for." Fight for a woman's heart.  Show her that you recognize her fears and work to fill that void.  Take the extra step to let her know she's important to you.

Just like one of my favorite songs right now:   

Warren Barfield - Love Is Not A Fight Lyrics

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word that they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us, if we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us, but demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I would fight for you, would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.

  

More importantly, be HONEST.  If you have no desire to be with a girl that you are talking to every day, hanging out with, spending time with, TELL her.  JP told us during the 'dating class' about this girl who was in love with her best guy friend.  They would always hang out together, and she started to fall for him.  He on the other hand was completely clueless about her feelings.  And when he got engaged to another girl, she was crushed.  I can only imagine..  But it doesn't have to get that far before a woman's heart is broken.  Especially if you have told a girl that you like her and have discussed dating?  If you are no longer interested in pursuing that- TELL her.  BE INTENTIONAL.  Don't drag her along.  Girls, the same is for you.  Don't drag a guy along just because it is "comfortable" or "easy".

And ladies, learn this.  What you win a guy with, you will lose him for.  If you are with a guy and he is only attracted to you for your looks?  You are going to lose him to another woman who is younger and more attractive than you.  If he's purely sexually attracted to you?  You're gonna lose him to another woman, or pornography.  It's true..  Although, I can't seem to find where that fits into those two relationships that caused me so much pain..

One of the worst things women do is run into another relationship... The new guy is only new for a day.  After that, he still human. He'll excite you, disappoint you, scare you a little bit.   And then usually you run off to the the next one.  It's good for avoiding things. But the problem is that you end up avoiding yourself. You push away the people you love. You end up avoiding life.   Eventually, you're going to end up alone.  You need to spend some time alone, no doubt, but you also need to learn how to let people in. 

I heard once that love is friendship on fire... Isn't that a nice picture?  

Some people are meant to be single.  It doesn't mean you are undesirable, it's just where you are better able to serve.  For those of you who aren't meant to be single, some day some one will come along and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.  It's like all of the bad stuff that you went through that you hated along the way: the people who disappointed you, the things that didn't go the way you wanted; suddenly, you feel grateful to them, because those are the things that got you to here, to this. 

And through it all smile (: so that people don't know you are crushed.  God has better things ahead.  "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit."  Proverbs 15:13